If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
I'm pretty sure it all started going downhill last night when they suggested I see how much sambuca I could fit in my mouth
you looked at her and told her she looks like the girl you lost your virginity to then told her you wanted to lose it to her again
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
Can I bring some rope too? It's not too early for bondage talk, is it?
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
How the fuck did I get back? Last thing I remember is being on some hot guy's shoulders yelling at girls shaking their asses
We'll talk about it later...
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
the good news is that even if it's Alex's, I can still say it's Colin's, because the kid will come out ginger anyway!
who knew there'd be a plus side to your ginger fetish one day?
I probably won't go. Last time I got drunk with those guys I just started demanding people let me touch their beards.Then I mocked everyone who didn't have facial hair.
yeah well, its not like my astrogynecology class is teaching me what i need to know
im almost 90% sure there is no such thing as astrogynecology.
I am now picking what guy I will hang out with based on how many Pokémon they live near.
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
Randomize
