I accidentally had phone sex last night
We're watching an ocean show on Discovery Channel and drinking every time they say "dolphins." PS. Seals kill birds. Tell all your friends.
Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
dude.. you lit a cigarette on the bus and told the driver it was okay because you were fire marshall of your boy scout troop
hah yeah. there was a kid puking in the bathroom and this idiot brings in a potted plant and was like "yeah he's like, not getting enough oxygen"
She is two pictures of justin bieber away from being blocked from my news feed
he opened the microwave and beer cans poured out
had to split buying plan b over two cards. I will no longer challenge people to get on my level
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
He got me a cake that said " Congratulations on the dick "
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
I have got to move on from this "sleeping with every drug dealer I meet" phase.
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
Randomize
