Sarah, plain, and tall I adore you
my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
Looks like I will be paying for the roofie I slipped myself in 9 months.
she wouldn't stop crying, so we sang her to sleep. i'm guessing you will find her in the same position by the toilet in the morning. night.
Should I give the penis ring toss game to good will or garbage
I can't. I can't get out. He cooked me food. And made me jager bombs. And painted a glow in the dark smilie face on my boobs
I'll call it a relationship when I stop masturbating after he goes to sleep
She's the perfect storm when it comes to psycho stalkers
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
I just used "et al" in a sext. I thought you'd be proud
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
I forgot to bring soap and all I could find here was body wash. It's like bathing with laundry detergent.
Randomize
