I don't know which is worse: knowing all the free porn websites, or knowing which days they update their free porn.
Have you ever noticed how boring internet porn is after you cum? I can't shut my computer fast enough.
oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
I truly don't know anything about sober relationships. Normally I would just drunkenly yell "sex?" in a guy's face. What do I do now? Be like, sooo uhhh, wanna do it? Awkward, and even worse, I will remember clearly just how awkward it was.
We drove around last night shotting fireworks out the window while they had sex in the back of his car
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
Because you work where i will be drunk tonight I'm asking you. Is a shirt required on Halloween?
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
It's like your nipple is comforting my nipple.
I believe in weed hangovers. To say the least.
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
all i know is that i woke up at 12:00 am in a shower with egg shell in my hair. i am 90% sure you are responsible.
All i want from a relationship is to get drunk watch pirates of the Caribbean and have sex
Randomize
