We should takd a huggy cab to snuggle bunnyville
I wish I only lived at night.
He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
it was my 21st birthday. took an old mans walker so i could stay till last call. reasonable right?
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
we drunkly made out in the middle of the street beside the homeless guy playing the flute. Not how I imagined our first kiss.
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
I apologize in advance for the amount of cleavage I'll be exposing your boyfriend to.
even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
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