Why do you apologize after every time we have sex?
Why is there an empty beer bottle in the shower?
Why wouldn't there be.
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
Reason 37 booty call break ups suck: I literally could not find his house in the daytime.
just mapquested my walk of shame from saturday..bye bye freshman 15
Ok, gonna go sleep cuz my brain wants to be smart and not follow my pussy into the danger zone
YOU STOLE THE WEDDING CAKE?!?!
Only one tier
Tastes like cardboard anyway
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
ok. i'm ready for you to come back and test the structural integrity of this futon.
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
I woke up to him "wax on, wax off"-ing my boobs. I just reminded myself that I love him and let it happen.
I wrote a list of things I enjoy doing. So far it says "get high and go to museums."
He surprised me with a puppy tail butt plug in his ass and wants me to fuck him
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
Randomize
