God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
if sarah has 12 dollars and spends 6 of it on cheap booze how much will she spend on hangover food the next morning?
4 on the dollar menu at mcdonalds
mom cant say that college never taught us math
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
I feel choking has become trendy-- ita losing its effect. I may just have to go back to missionary to spice it up
He practically cut off his thumb and she offered him a tampon to stop the bleeding
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
Just had a guy try to pull the maraca out of my shirt with his teeth... Wtf
Just set out 2 water bottles as an offering to my hungover self.
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
I gave him breakup sex, AGAIN
Randomize
