What are we going to do tonight?
What we try to do every night. Take over the world
i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
he looked upset that i wasn't completely shaven. i reminded him he had begged. and beggars can't be choosers.
Just heard a guy on the phone saying " ya ill buy the eight ball " then came to my register to ask what asile the sugar substitute is on.
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
I THREW AWAY MY VIBRATOR BECAUSE IT INTIMIDATED HIM. WORST. DECISION. EVER
Well at one point he got ahold of my archery gear.. And I. Shit. You. Not. Sarah took an arrow to the knee.
Yep. I'm going to buy a sex toy and a LARP prop on the same trip. Welcome to my life.
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
do you ever just look around and think about how great it is to have depth perception? Like it's really, really cool when u think about it
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
YOU DESERVE A GUY WITH A NORMAL DICK DONT SETTLE FOR ANYTHING LESS
I walked in and saw her crying and singing to her dog
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
I didn’t eat all day. Got really drunk at a bruins game and puked in a random dunkies cup on the T
If that doesn’t scream I’m from New England, I don’t know what does
Randomize
