Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
I saw a chick at 8 am this morning walking back to my dorm wearing wings... I'm kind of jealous.
it's a little hard to watch the basketball games with my family considering they keep cheering for the guy that i had a one night stand with...
its like she was born with a silver dick in her mouth
She's a Laker fan, her sister is a Celtic fan... no matter who wins I'm getting a celebration bj from one of them!
I'm taking this break up pretty rough.. I've never been to sad to masturbate.
he broke into my appartment and left me a waffle maker...
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
I DID MY EXPERIMENTING. FOUR YEARS OF IT. IN HIGH SCHOOL.
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
Btw that $18 I gave you to run around outside naked came out of your wallet.
Randomize
