can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
people would bow to what i just did to her vagina
apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
Thats the last time I go out drinking with my Irish friends. Two shots of flaming sambucca = bar on fire. I was only trying to high five the barman.
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
I think she just stepped in a piece of mac and cheese, picked it off the bottom of her foot and ate it.
i just feel like it would be irresponsible for you to not have sex with me again.
My vagina agrees.
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
Bring me the dick of your room mate Alex and I will reward you in in skittles.
three guys with a tattoo of the Walmart rollback smiley holding up a middle finger on their ass=free drinks in every bar
we're in NC now and so far we've smoked a blunt in every state with the exception of Tennessee which we accidentally went to
This is me trying to take a picture to send to grandma. At 4. We were trying to look sober.
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
Randomize
