I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
Turns out "bordello" doesn't mean what I thought it did.
i love that youre following in my footsteps.. pissing yourself on your birthday is an honor and a privlege
There are pictures of you on the shoulders of some old guy dressed as borat
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
I dont know what we smoked last night but I woke up and found out I started writing a book called White Trash Princess. Its the best thing Ive ever read
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
My life has come to reading articles about dating an ex heroin addict. I'm doing well.
It's a noodle incident. All I can say is that it was completely accidental, no one was too seriously injured, and I'm not allowed back to that bar without a designated pusher for my wheelchair.
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.
We should have a mid-burrito sex-break, too. Just so we don't get too full all at once
Good point.
By talk things out did he mean have passionate angry sex?
Thus began an intricate shell game of nude cardigan photos
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
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