Remember ______, girl, blonde, one of my roommates the first year of ________?
Yeah we hooked up in the top bunk bed while simultaneously having a conversation with u, so yeah, I remember her
I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
If there was chocolate on Regis Philban's dick, I would totally lick it off. That's how desperate I am for some right now.
we better have passed that bar exam - i dont want to have to drink like this again
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
I can't remember where my feet are. All I can see are colors, and all I can feel is terror. The lollipop was a bad idea.
I just put my hair into this ponytail & it looks hideous & really cool at the same time. I am dedicating it to the hangover I have
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Randomize
