It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
I submitted an essay to my history teacher comparing changes in the middle ages to the song changes by David Bowie. I can't wait to see my grade on that.
Just when you think you're never going to have sex again, BOOM you're naked in bed with a guatemalan
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
Just received a visit from the Ghost of Bad Decisions Past. Kind of weird 90% of the flashbacks happened in the same sixteen month span, the rest happened at Taco Bell.
omg just made cake vodka jello shots, sooooo excited
dear god these taste like death. death and sprinkles
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
I'm going as your incestuous sister. If thats not the perfect winglady I don't know what is.
How did it feel to just observe all the people blacking out usually you're on the other end of things
I felt like I was at the zoo
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
just creeped your profile pictures and you should feel satisfied in knowing that you had great eyebrows even before people started drawing them on
Seriously where are the good guys?
The friend zone.
Did u guys seriously make a betting pool on when im going to get pregnant???
Yep, wanna bid?
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
The last time I was on vacation the pandemic blew up. Can't wait to see how my vacation fucks up the world this time.
Randomize
