went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
i ordered 12 mcnuggets at mcdonalds and ended up getting 20. for free. miracles really do happen when your high.
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
im looking at burger kings website. there isnt one anywhere close to where we were last night. i think it was sent from heaven
When else am I ever going to have a chance to do lines with T-Pain?
if she didnt wantt to be febrezed, she shouldnt have smelled so desperate.
The worst part about getting "creative" and by that i mean baked is that i just wanna get laid right now and all im doing is eating nachos
Thats why you dont have a "jubilant gunfire celebration"
Aside from the possibility of pregnancy, I'm going to call last night a raging success.
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
i have pictures frm only 4 hours ago that will fucking ruin you so i suggest yuo come get me.
Where are you?
dunno. ask mike. bring pain killers. and underwear. and my dignity.
Haha just talked to the dude you bit on Thursday. He has been growing a beard to hide the bruising....
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
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