My roomate just said the he would "tap dat" to the 13 out of control girl on maury. Im finding a new place in the morning.
Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
Jerry just sent me this: IOR GHIT ALL THE BUTTIB. Go get him. Now.
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
Just so you know, this text is a buffer between the two guys I'm sexting. Can't get that shit messed up.
I need to throw up and die. The order doesn't matter. I feel like shit
It's times where you wake up in the hospital after trying to road surf that you wonder what you're doing in life.
the bar didnt serve shots so jim ordered us jaeger neat. it worked.
If you're still up for that roadtrip, I managed to end up in Louisiana and could use a ride home.
I feel like you're gonna be reading this at 6 AM in a ditch or under a bridge, but please remember...I offered to drive you home. And you said no.
The sad thing is that it's 6:45 and you're not far off.
I did not have sex with him because he had a puppy…finding out he had a husky pup waiting back at home was just an unexpected plus
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
Randomize
