I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
I got carried to one bar. Got a piggy back ride to the next bar. I was just testing our drinking team for st pattys day to make sure they are able to handle me more drunk than that.
Me. blonde. Sex. Dance floor.
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
In the liquor store when a straight girl and a gay guy were just arguing about who hooked up with the same guy first.
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
I found it. now I'm going to the gym to be "healthy" or whatever that folklore is called.
my bed is a shrine, and I am its goddess.
Congrats you've received dick pics from an Olympic silver medalist
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
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