I slayed a troll last night at BC guess i thought i was back in college
So I accidentally txted this girl with the same name as the one im seeing, as it turns out shes still dtf
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
i love how he claims to not know english but when i ask him to come over and fuck me he's all of a sudden fluent
Okay, thats embarrasing even by my standards and I've thrown up while wearing a viking hat. just a viking hat.
Yeah, it kinda sucks. But it was fun while it lasted. And honestly, his penis is way too big for my life.
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
Please tell me last night did not happen and there is another reason why my phone smells like ranch sauce ahahah
I did not appreciate your texts about spanking at 3'o'clock this morning.
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
Here's the thing. Kinda drunk. Eating leftover soup. In bed. Watching Disney channel.
Randomize