I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
it was my 21st birthday. took an old mans walker so i could stay till last call. reasonable right?
Of course, you get to fuck all night while I'm stuck in the girls bathroom sucking a limp dick for coke
Text me when you wake up so I know you're ok. It's really worrisome to get home at this hour and find 3 men passed out in my room but no you. Love you, goodnight. :-)
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
I've never heard of anyone celebrating the holidays with a fuck buddies family before.
....I'll be expecting my trophy when I return.
I woke up covered in his pee. And then he poked me on Facebook.
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
He made me cum via FaceTime, then he made me look at his stock investment charts..
Now swiping left on 23-year-olds with abs. Is this adulting?
Randomize
