i just peed out my two story window using my cell phone as a flashlight . hope the neighbors didnt see
i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
They let you pick the name that they announce for you at graduation. The professional world needs to prepare itself for papa smurf mcdonald.
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
he doesn't drink and he's an emt - he'll be our dd for nye in exchange for a threesome tomorrow afternoon.
It was going well until he told me about the 7k he made in college to be in a gay porn
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
My tuesday consisted of speaking to a federal agent for two hours and watching a roving band of gypsies jump over a fire until 2:30am
The bad news is I fucked my exes girlfriend. The good news is I100% understand why he left me
Where the condoms are as broken as my dreams
I just want to have sex that doesn't end like a B-rated horror movie.
I'm just going to ride dicks all the way to the to the gates of hell
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
He stopped the gas pump at 69 and gave me my receipt. He wants it.
Randomize