Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
her orgasm sounded like a fucking walrus crying.
There's nothing more uncomfortable than drifting into sexual fantasies on a roadtrip and realizing you have a boner with three other dudes in the car.
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
I just took a bite of a bagel at school and it tasted like weed. If I am high for my test in 2 hours I'm gonna kick someones ass
I just don't see what's wrong with carrying a water bottle around.
It's not the bottle. It's the fact that you're drinking wine out of a sport bottle at 9 am.
whatever happens this semester dont let me be that girl yacking in the urinal. again.
I just put up a picture on my dorm room wall of that ginger you hooked up with to remind myself that everyone makes mistakes
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
The ONE weekend I don't put anything up my nose, and it decides to bleed like crazy
Thank you for the legal advice. I hope I can pay you in blow jobs.
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
It's my birthday, dammit, and I'm getting something for free. I don't care if it's just a drink at the bar.
YOU CAN GET THIS DICK FOR FREE
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
Randomize
