well most of my day revolves around power hour
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations
One minute we were getting noise complainted by the security guards the next I was shotgunning a beer with them
He woke up in the ambulance thinking he was still in the club.
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
Her tutu was on the floor and she wouldn't take off her crown. She kept saying you're fucking a princess!
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
Don't date the locals. They're all tainted.
How do I say "I want to suck your balls" in a classy but sexy way,
I behisseth at your soul from the deepest darkest depths of the earth
I'm just hitting the tip of the iceberg on accents for this trip...so basically my panties are done for.
I mean, I want you to have freaky orgasmic fun to entertain me, but I don’t want you to risk HIV or car crashes
Look at us. Planning our business meeting. Including snacks like shrooms & trail mix.
Randomize
