Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
On blowjobs: "If you decide to go there, you finish the job. No complaining." I don't care if it sounds like she's talking about Iraq, I'm in love.
maybe after you take off her top her face will be hotter
and my loofah got caught on my nipple ring in the shower today. what an awful experience.
I've officially decided that whoever created hate sex should be on my christmas card list.
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
His mom always writes on my facebook right after we have sex. it's like she knows. with her scary mom psychic powers
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
I just found a wine bottle in my shower. Must have been a good night.
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
He took home that trashy slut from Bama but a NFL Lineman was just in my DMs so... who’s the real winner here
this strobe light makes my body turn on and off
Randomize
