sometimes when i'm walking through campus i wonder how many of these people have seen me puke
There I was staring at a teeny weeny black one and a huge white one. It was like an episode of Myth Busters
Drunk versus high capture the flag: what team is everybody gonna be on?
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
Is this a genuine concern or are you just high?
JUST BECAUSE I'M HIGH DOESN'T MEAN ITS NOT GENUINE CONCERN.
On campus. Grown men in women's sexy bee costumes. Complete with legwarmers. This cannot be real life.
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
He wrote me poetry. 12 hours after getting my number
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
I remember us getting kicked out of the bar, but neither of us know why. We woke up next to chicken bones on a plate with spoons, and my car has mud all over it including places where feet shouldn't be, like the speakers on the car door.
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
Please don't give away my fajitas
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
Will you PLEASE get your mom to stop telling me I'd make a great husband? She knows I'm gay, right?!
I know, but she really likes you. Have you met my brother yet?
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