just got drunk at a party with Christmas themed solo cups.. holidays are officially here.
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
pop tarts are not kleenex
Stop trying to talk to my friends!!
then get some ugly ones...
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
Yes, I have your ice luge mold. I'll do a prisoner exchange for the beer bong
I may, or may not have licked his face in an Applebee's.
His dick was so bent it was like fucking captain hook's hand for 2 hours
Well i would have gone to the bar but Satan decided to hold his rituals in my uterus.
I make him buy me all the extremely expensive high end Mac cosmetics I desire. Wear it then let him cum on my face. I am fucking glamorous.
you didnt realize it, but you puked in the bushes in front of a church and yelled "GOD IS DEAD"
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
He was talking about his friends deceased ferret and I still managed to orgasm.
Now THAT is dedication!
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