i used baking grease as lip gloss
In my 8 am class there was a pack of birth control on the board with a note saying, "Some dude somewhere is unhappy."
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
I have the money I owe you for auctioning off your black thongs. Best 30 bucks ever spent
You were so high you insisted on spoon feeding me your KFC bowl while I was driving.
Was who let the dogs out playing?
Ya. You started barking when it ended
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
It's hard to be judgmental of others when you are wearing silver pleather.
We're already drunk. 4 hours to go still. And there's a bear advisory. TOP WEEKEND.
I just had a sexting conversation using medieval jargon. I think he is a fine suitor.
When you didn't respond I figured you must be busy so I'm home in my pj's 2 beers in and stoned from weed I got from my gaybours. They also gave me cake. I'm not moving from this recliner.
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
i have too much dick at my disposal? i should make them fight. best dick pic gets laid
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
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