what is it with giant penises always finding me
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
I know this is really fun but I don't wanna glow anymore
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
which guy lost his keys in my bed this weekend?
Also I found and fixed my beer gun.
Oh, and one of the worst parts... his name was Mario. I fucked a Nintendo character.
I don't want my liquor store dad to judge me...
Please don't fuck the professor. We both know that won't end well.
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
Grandma is high again and locked herself in the house
I just realized u compared me to a coconut
Third time this week I've caught co workers dry humping. Quarantine really changes people's priorities.
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