I'm trapped in whichever ring of hell is populated by inbred yokels and type 2 diabetes.
Dude you can sell sperm for 100 to 250 bucks a time. And the best part is there will be kids all over the world that will have me as a daddy. It's like I'm jerking off my way into ruling the world
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
Alright I don't know how you'll link it to me but yes I left a nearly empty 12 pack on your trunk
In an m&m suit playing manhunt drunk. And you thought you werent guna have a good time
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
I still blew him because I won't let allergies keep me from doing what I want. But I almost suffocated like 10 times.
Also I will be receiving my own bra in the mail because I left it at his place, woops
Had a very good bday. Have the teeth marks and bruises to prove it
Sorry you ended up in detox. It's not my fault you decided to walk downtown in only your underwater at 3am. I think the tequila took over.
I wiped my ass with a McDonalds wrapper. I've hit an all time low. Sorry for my impatience
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