the best thing about tacos is after you shit them all out you feel like to have room for your dignity to come back
you'd be alarmed at how much plan b i just found in mom's bathroom...
he didn't want to fuck because he was too busy skateboarding. what are we 12? I'm too old for this shit.
Drunk on Tuesday. Double fisting. Mmmbop is playing. Only girl in the group. Life is complete.
Girl we've come a long way since our first Brazilian wax
i think he spiked my sandwich with a viagra
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
BURNT NIPPLES ARE UNHAPPY NIPPLES.
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
I've lost every trace of self esteem. Even sneaking a BJ in the coffee room has lost it's luster.
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
A dozen naked frat boys in squirrel masks just ran by. Welcome to the official start of the holidays.
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