I just saw the dad from "Little People Big World" at the airport. I chased him down and congratulated him for beating the DUI.
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
Sorry I didn't wanna double team his sister. Having whiskey dick and watching you get laid didn't sound appealing
First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
Just watched a girl fall down the stair and be to drunk to get up. The only stair in the bar. It's like watching a turtle on it's back.
You climbed on top of the bar, shotgunned a 25oz fosters and screamed, Steve Irwin was a God amongst men.
I need more social interactions that don't involve sex
It's probably not healthy how legit bummed I am that my bottled of wine is gone.
You kept screaming, "Fuck her right in the personality" and then kissed a guy and slapped him across the face
We're at the liquor store. Then going to the hospital
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
Randomize
