Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
shes got a really nice body. but her face is eh.
you dont need a face to have sex
a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
i'm in workout clothes. this is progress.
Most eventful shower ever. Jacked off, peed and puked in there.
The bouncers kicked us out around 3 so we went to the grocery store flasks in hand and asked them to turn up their music...
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
This is going to be the time I got green body paint on Chris' ceiling all over again...
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
I tried to take a cute nude but sneezed halfway through. I sent it anyway
I just tripped over a but plug that was on the floor. It's 430 in the morning
I should've negotiated that before I sat on his face.
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
Randomize
