She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
When you wake up, I have rum and am in town
when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
We found him. 8 blocks away from the bars and almost at his parent's house. On the verge of tears.
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
Do Not. I repeat. DO NOT DRINK WHISKEY TO COPE. You will end up in jail. LEARN FROM THE PRO
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
Was having the best sex dream I've had in a while and only woke up when I heard my grandma fall down the stairs.
NOTHING IN THE WORLD IS GOOD SOFT
NOT ICECREAM NOT DICKS
NOTHING
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
Is there a way to use porn to inspire him to have dirty thoughts? Like the movie Inception except with more lube and orgams?
Randomize
