my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
is it mean to send ur x his condoms back because they are too small for ur new boyfriend?
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
She kept telling me to calm down. I was on the floor with my eyes shut, not moving. In levels of calm I was one step above coma patient
no one was sober enough to set up jenga so we just threw the pieces at the last person to drink
I was kind of torn between "Wow, this is awkward," and "Wow, my therapist is hung."
Do you remember trying to make pizzas with the domino workers last night...while trying to speak their language with them.. spanish?
Me and some girl at the bar just high fived for not wearing bras
we need to find a way to be drinking champagne 24/7
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
I woke up naked and only wearing cowboy boots, wrapped in a curtain that was still attached to the pole
But like it was sooo bad! At one point he tried to flip me over and he fell off the bed
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
Randomize
