My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
Are you absolutely against sleeping in your car? Because i've done that before.
No my first time having an orgasm with you will not be on face time
i just found my fake in the snow. LIFE IS AWESOME
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
He finger blasted me like an angel dude
Thirty seconds is a long time in jizz time...
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
You kept sayin "its alright, I'm pre-med" to everything we said. EVERYTHING.
Randomize