Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
You put a nerf gun to his head and demanded him to take you to taco bell..
I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
......No :(
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
I distinctly recall there being a "I can't be dead 2maro" stipulation to going out last night. There's been a breech of contract
Just so you know, you're MY booty call. Feel degraded.
Just got a free shot w my beer...it's not quite 11am yet...I love international travel. These people aren't judgmental.
Hungover and I may throw up in my therapist's office. Maybe he is right about my drinking
Yeah i was handcuffed to the bed all night but i actually slept like a baby
Happy birthday, you long dick monster
I'm eating tortillas right now. Like not cooked tortillas. Someone is playing the guitar. Man with bandana.
Facebook just reminded me of the time I found two IHop cheese sticks in my hand bag. Those were the days.
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
He’s basically a sexual superhero. A mild mannered marketing intern by day, but a very horny 22 year old with pornstar stamina at nights!
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