i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
Yo I charged a $20 breakfast to ur room, will pay u back in liquor and schoolgirl panties, thx again for a fun time
Doing final review now. Then epic shit. Then going to take it. Should start it be 1030. Done by 2. Drunk by 3. Hammered by 4. Blacked out by 5. Streaking by 6. Jail sometime after that
Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
I'm getting very good at recycling my hook ups. So even though i'm having more sex... I'm the same amount of slutty.
Yes! I like to call that picking from the buffet!
You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
Wait does semen show up on blood tests?
I woke up in Brittany's thong, Tony's shirt, and an oven mitt
Hahaha she was way into you and you kept arguing about burritos. It was amazing.
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
Sex in a tree, bucket list CHECK!
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
Randomize