i want to give my vagina back to god and say no thank you
we got blazed and looked up peoples criminal records
hot pretzels for dinner, snacks, and now breakfast...oh to be a poor college student...everyday is like a carnival.
We need to start having rules for the weekends. Like no more downing 3 shots because we want to slut dance a little harder or because biggie just came on.
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
Hey. I found $5 in quarters from one of those state quarter collection books. I'm using it for food tomorrow.
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
i just want to attach a dildo to the ceiling and ride it like a gay spiderman.
High water is the most godliest tasting water in the world.
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
Dude I used amphetamines responsibly today though. I snorted one in the am for work and then chewed one in the pm for other work. I'm an adult.
I'm so gassy and it's your fault.
Randomize
