it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
U know those big foam mats in the back gym for track?
ya, gonna go have sex there?
No I want one to have wings and pick me up and take me home
It's more exciting when they aren't single....and even better when you have to pretend that you just slept with their roommate while trying to do the walk a shame as their girlfriend comes marching into the apt.
Im not the least bit jealous of the life you lead.
why would she cut her hair? she needs all the distractions possible from those texas-sized gums and horse teeth.
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
it's my sixth sense. If there's an orgy within 20 miles of me i'll know about if. Or be a part of it.
Finally better. I had to use eye makeup remover to get the purple wine stains off my lips
I don't like getting sloppy drunk but I don't like getting just half drunk either, I'm way too responsible if my blood alcohol level is below 0.2
So take that alcohol. I still win. I ALWAYS WIN. Plus i didn't have to wear clothes. DOUBLE WIN.
When they send me to rehab, I'm screaming your name down the halls.
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
That's the 2nd med student that has had his tongue in my butthole, what gives.
COCAINE AND SUSPENSFUL BBC SHOWS DO NOT WORK.
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
Randomize
