I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
There's a paramedic out here, what have you done?
No no no. When you take one for the team, there are no stipulations or conditions
nothing like baby laughter to ruin a masturbation moment
20 bottles of wine, 3 cases or beer, and 5 bottles in my kitchen... My parents are teasing me.
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
The only image of you you know is from reflections or pictures. Its 2d. But what other people see is 3d. How do you know that's your real face! MIND.BLOWN.
Never let a one night stand shower at your place. My razor, lotion, and brush disappeared. #girlcode
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS
Wait, but now I'm curious. In what position were y'all when the cops came? Were you guys butt ass naked in the car? 😂😂
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
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