I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
Busta Rhymes just yelled at me! He cut a song off and I was clapping and he looked right at me and said "don't fucking clap." I was that white guy.
My vagina smells like strawberry tangerine twist.
that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
Admitting I go to nursing school is my subtle way of saying, yes, I know every muscle in your penis and how to effectively use them.
How do you have time to get laid so much in law school?
I like to set goals for myself. for example, he was my first libertarian
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
Alright I don't know how you'll link it to me but yes I left a nearly empty 12 pack on your trunk
I misunderstood what a furry was. Come pick me up.
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
Just switched my underwear without taking my pants off don't ever be ashamed to be related to me
Sometimes I actually rage on Tuesday, come back, and do homework drunk and pull an all nighter.
Yeah he drove 30 minutes at 3 AM to come fuck me in my neighbors treehouse
Grateful to be alive soliciting dick pics. Thankful i'm alive for these little things and especially these big ones too.
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