my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
i have a strong feeling i fucked one of the waiters here...
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
And I also succeeded in getting kicked out of a bar when I was drinking straight from the vodka bottle at our table.
Sorry about all of the penis things that happened last night.
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
Only thig bad about that muscular chick from the gym is she liked it so rough I had to bust out a few wrestling moves from highschool
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
Is it too far to say to someone "you're useless for everything besides sex"
As she came, she moaned Roll Tide. I kid you not.
You're having marijuana delivered to you. You're buying drugs and you aren't even leaving the house. I'm sure he'll be surprised if you're NOT wearing a bathrobe.
Randomize
