ready 4 sex 2nite?
wow. woo me matt, woo me.
is it bad that while shopping i looked specifically for clothes that hold their form after taking them off and putting them on again and again?
this is ridiculous... i look like a white version of MC Hammer...
Not gonna happen. She just told me she puts glitter over the mole on her nose to make it look like a piercing.
What'd you guys eat?
Literally everything that was frozen.
Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
He's cheating on her.
Are you sure it wasn't her?
I have my glasses on, and as long as she didn't change her face in the past two months; its her.
do we own a ladder
We do not.
then how am i on the roof
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
I broke her handcuffs. I feel like an animal.
I woke up naked in this guys bed and the first thing I start saying is it's super bowl Sunday like I was yelling
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