hey everyone... booty call? my house tonight. bring friends to fuck my friends.
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
im drinking italian dressing and watching dexter. its 230am. lets never drink on sundays again.
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
I don't give a damn about what he wants to do with his life. Personalities are for pussies.
Now I'm at the gym and I never want to leave. It's a combo of adderall and endorphins and I don't want it to go away
I don't remember... but puking on the bar sounds like me.
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
You sternly pointed at him and declared that you would ride his cock until the early dawn.
Then, you ate a turkey sub, went into his room
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
I basically go to him for great dick and great memes.
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