I'm so fucking centered right now
I think it's safe to say that I made out with the entire msu campus this weekend
Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
i'm sure god appreciates how great my boobs look during this fine christmas eve mass
I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
I distinctly remember telling him "I'll suck your dick while you eat pizza"
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
You start to question your morals when you wake up at 430 and there's three people naked...that you don't no
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
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