The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
just skyped with my friend to listen in on the people talking shit about me in the library. creepy or strategic?
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
Making jello shots drunk, i apologize ahead of time if they are too strong Can't taste anything.
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
So. How about you can get tequila certified...
Hey he's not bad, although he did have a glass eye
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
I am currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
guys I just made $20 cause these random south african guys thought I wasn't wearing any underwear
I didn't think you were that drunk until you were trying to rub your foot on my vag under the table at the thai place.
I'm too pretty to be this sexually frustrated.
Randomize
