At Coney Island the sign for the rollercoaster The Cyclone says, "Make sure your glasses and weave are secure."
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
Instead of just putting in it he asked "will you do the honors?" it was the cutest thing I had ever heard before sex.
The beer is more important than you right now.
I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
I owe you 20 bucks. My blood work did show liver damage.
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
Lube filled water balloons always make for a good time
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
Did we do drunk science last night? There's tequila in the test tubes...
how early is too early to start drinking over the gilmore girls revival
If my one night stand asked me to move in with him right after does it still count as a one nighter?
Randomize
