Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
Consumer Beware: Redhead has herpes.
I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
It was awful until we put her on a word ration. And she rationed her words accordingly. I love blondes.
The last thing I remember is trying to split my bridesmaid dress down the back like the incredible hulk.
and you succeeded.
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
As soon as we had sex he stopped opening doors for me. That wasn't an exchange. Im still a god damn princess
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
6 showers laters and I still feel like I have his vomit in my vagina. At least I could help him figure out he's gay.
He kept telling me my vagina was a pleasure cave... I ended up just taking it as a complimetn
Stop saving videos when you’re using my pornhub account!!! My girlfriend just tried to finger my butt because she thinks I’m into that
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