I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
I wish I could google chicago male strippers on my work computer but I don't feel like talking to HR today
We were so tired we rock paper scissored for who would be on top. I won.
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
All i remember was he was wearing billibong pants... well actually my mom found that out for me.
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
Like for real, is your junk ok? I have to look after my investments.
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
I went to bed at ten on a Friday night I have virtues to spare
I SWEAR TO GOD IF SHE FUCKS WITH OUR GOLD GENE POOL
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
No we were too stoned to stop you from wiping the peanut butter all over the car.
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
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