The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
we left the bar for like 10 minutes last night and moved his car so it wouldnt get towed. neither of us have a clue where it is right now.
your boyfriend is drunk and yelling to the bar that he loves his cats
in case you blackout.. this is confirmation that yes, you were sitting spread eagle on the kitchen floor chugging pickle juice out of the jar.
Got hereat 8. Had 6 beers 2 shots and a game of diZZY BATOS
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
You are very nonchalant about the high probability of us having an orgy.
Eh, I'm ok with this, this can work. We're the best kind of the worst people.
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
The last thing I remember was naked hot tub and taking a shot and using the hot tub water as a chaser. Not acceptable.
Bring me a cialis. .. I feel like having a super dick today
You lost me at unexpected butt stuff. Everything else I would probably do.
I'm glad he doesn't have a bigger dick because he'd just use it for evil anyway
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
Will u make me a "6 month anniversary of being single" cake??? I wanna celebrate
Randomize