You can only be slapped by Eastern European waitresses so many times. I guess they don't want my huge cock in their iron curtain
Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
So, I picked up my 7 ft tall lamp post and used it to close my door. I feel quite accomplished.
I hope, cuz I was gunna get "celebritory drunk" but now I have to get "I'm disappointed drunk"
I just dont understand why you didnt cut me off when I took the funnel into the bathroom and started peeing and funneling at the same time
He hid IN a snowbank for 2 hours waiting for me to come home. This game has to stop before someone dies.
I'm still not walking right. We need some boundaries for "drink-or-dare"...
It'd be a romantic, consensual abduction
WHO THE FUCK TAGS THEMSELVES AT COUNTY JAIL?!?!
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
Shut the fuck up! I can hear you having sex over Pirates of the Caribbean you moaning whore.
So it turns out strippers do encores if enough people yell. Encore song: Self Esteem.
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
he sent me a picture of him holding out his pinky so we could pinky promise. i have to fuck him now
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