and his room smelled like strippers, childrens tears, and fear
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
She wasnt impressed wen i brought a guy for her back with me, a 3am impromptu sperm donor is not a gd birthday present. Im a bad gf.
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
never underestimate the power of walking into a bar alone in uv cat makeup.. took home a seven foot man
I feel like I'm going to get the reputation of being the girl who brings her dog with her to all her random hookups.
It is completely possible to eat beef jerky sexually.
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
Yeah I'd rather get obliterated at home.
Same here. I'd like to ensure that I won't get pissed on.
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
Yes ma'am. I'm attracted to unconventional people, you know that.
True. I can't judge, half of my sexual partners I only know a false first name & a number. We all have our kinks.
I'm just glad you didn't end up in Staten Island
I woke up naked holding a taco. My ass couldn't even make it to my bed let alone Staten Island
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