FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
so i definitely just saw 2 cops high five each other as they were arresting underage drinkers in 5 points.
you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
You should have seen her outfit yesterday. It was like pretty woman before Richard Gere gave her money to buy a new outfit.
yeah, but i heard shes schizophrenic
i wouldn't even care dude, i'd fuck her and all 7 of her personalities.
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
I know how I'm going to make my fortune.. designing an icepack made specifically for the vagina.
Cassie is wearing a baseball cap. This rebound is going nowhere
You were great dude. You wanted to charge the guy with fedora $100 to get in.
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
Let's go buy marshmallows and play chubby bunny until we feel alive again
Orgasms and cereal.... that's what life's about.
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
Randomize
