tell ils to like buy her flowers and like a balloon that says, sorry I tried to fuck your sister. I think hallmark makes some of those cards too.
Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
end of the world party next friday. virgin sacrifice. tell me you know someone whos still a virgin
OMG THE KID WHO TRIED TO MAKE OUT AT THE BAR WITH ME IS SITTIG NEXT TO ME IN THE AIRPORT. WHY LIFE WHY???
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
I walked out in my coconut bra, and that's when it all went downhill.
She has a bong hits for Jesus shirt. Of course I'm going to like her.
A relationship is waiting for him to fall asleep so you can cum (finally!) while watching porn
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
on a scale from 1 to "can't put a toothbrush in your mouth without gagging" how hungover are you?
Randomize
