we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
my knee is completely bruised from kneesliding into the bowling ball. bowling for creativity points was a win
This is how baked we were last night. Our drinking game: We stare at each other; first one to laugh drinks.
My dad picked me up from the bus station and as soon as he saw me he yelled "bus backwards is SUB!" and started laughing, I'm like 800% sure he's stoned. I'm so happy I came home for spring break.
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
I want him for more than banging and buying me potato salad. Is this what love feels like?
I was on all fours trying to empty the bowl we smoked into the sewer when your neighbor came out, but besides that it went smoothly
well he never texted me back and the pizza I took my rage out didn't deserve such malice
Keep in mind this was 2012... YOLO was a very new concept.
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
Randomize
