who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
I made a google map for "places I got blow jobs"
had a guy just try to take his underwear off in the middle of the bar w o taking his pants off. That kind of Sunday afternoon
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
first reaction to dying the pubes purple - awesome. Reaction after I explain the process - not awesome. Hypothesis? when girls find out you know to bleach and dye your hair, they're turned off.
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
Idk. I was speaking metaphorically. Go for it. As one of your bad decisions, I feel confident in saying you've done worse.
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
drinking right out of the bottle and nobody bats an eye.
its good to be home.
Who's the easier target... Bandages on the knees, tramp stamp, or bra showing? Not in the mood to work for it tonight.
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
Randomize
