call of duty 2 was the straight man's twilight
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
the only human I can compare her to is rosie o'donnell.
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
Just paid a $5 cover at a bar I stumbled by so I could puke in a toilet and not in public.
Am I really that high, or did I just spray febreeze outside ?
I tried snowmobiling at 2 am. I broke my glasses. You're right. Things do get out of control.
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
Well I just saw a fully naked man doing a headstand in a cooler of ice water.
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
i like beer, sex, and cooking. what more can he want?
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
Randomize
