You're the only person with a favorite bar in Disneyworld
Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
I'm two guys short from fucking the whole baseball team and one is gay. I will be successful by the end of this month.
I remember saying your puke looked like a jellyfish and you got very offended.
It got heated then she just left and I was all alone in the women's restroom.
This is a sacred holiday in the land of the free! I do what I want!
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
Tequila is gods way of telling you don't fuck with tequila
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
Randomize
