I think i found my new favorite workout. Go to a party where you dont know anybody and constantly walk around the house so you dont look awkward standing alone. im up to 1.8 miles
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
He then proceeded to try to whisper up my nose...
It wasn't a wasted relationship. I got road-head in an Escalade. I still keep that with me.
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
We already established this. No, he did not cum on the dog.
it is entirely possible that the police will be knocking on the door in 25 minutes
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
Its important to me that you know there is a tambourine down my pants.
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
We started pregaming at 8. It's 11, and her only 11:11 wish is to be sober. It's hard to not love her.
I remember sitting in your lap naked saying I don't want to be all looks while you gently rocked me back and forth
You walked up to a random girl on the street and asked her for a bite of her pizza...
Tight. Want to get up, make coffee, sit on separate couches and silently read our mobile devices together?
Randomize
