Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
I mean I had a leg brace. It would have been irresponsible for me to be on top.
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
He was singing "i gotta feeling" under his breath as i was pulling my top off.
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
PS August 29 of last year was when you ran over my foot. Facebook just reminded me.
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
I know I come to this conclusion on a fairly regular basis but I really do need a babysitter
Its official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world
Fortunatly we found him, he was on my roof. Unfortunatly, we can't say the same for his pants. Still looking. BRB.
that is our friendship pylon, do not lose it
fuck you.
DO NOT LOSE IT
She made me baby bird juul smoke to her while we were fucking
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