why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
I can only be a whore so many days outta the week.
Samesies
I miss being able to drink at 11am just cause it was sunny outside.
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
there was some random girl that nobody really knew, standing in the corner trying to shave her armpits with a plastic butter knife.
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
not saying it was a bad idea to throw an impromptu party but someone stole the microwave
Serious question...Is it possible to get a DUI on a kayak?
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
Randomize
